Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Lists for everything

I have been hiking Pinnacle Mountain on Saturday mornings before Cody and Evelyn wake up for several months.  I take breaks for illness, extreme ice, and most recently a bruised tailbone.  I like the heat better than than the cold.

Spending more time outside just makes me want to spend more time outside.

I have mostly quit drinking Mtn. Dew in the past couple of months.  I feel calmer now, but apparently this is not noticeable to people.

The tiny sliver of relaxedness I brought back with me from vacation is pretty much gone thanks to a heavy workload, some concerns about loved ones, and my general inability to handle any stressors of any kind.

For example, I cried--twice--attempting to navigate a website and look at outfits for Evelyn tonight.  Maybe not having a working mouse is what does it.  Maybe I'm nervous about sending her off to pre-K.  Maybe the t-shirts were terrible enough to trigger a crying jag.  (Doubtful.)  Maybe the website was just that bothersome or maybe I just really would prefer to do this in a store even though salespeople make me sweaty and paranoid.  I want to touch the fabric and see if it's the 'right' texture and weight and hold the neckholes up to Evelyn's tiny shoulders.  Mom was offering to buy Evelyn some outfits (because Evelyn's grandparents buy most of her clothes) and I feel weird that I said "I'm just not feeling it" because that's rude and untrue but I didn't want to say "This is making me cry because that is what shopping does to me sometimes and has for a couple of decades now" even though we both know this fact about me.

I really don't like being on the computer all that much and have no idea what I'm doing on here when I'm going to try to go into work an hour early tomorrow to stare at a computer screen for the whole day and try to finish up some things on a deadline.

Sometimes I go to therapy.  I don't know how much it helps, other than I get to talk about things in my life for an hour while someone does not say "Why don't you just [do a thing that I have obviously considered before]?"  And that's pretty great.  That's actually huge.  We've discussed breathing and how I knit a lot and hike and try to get time with friends and also time alone and how it's still not enough because the major stressors in my life will remain giant stressors.  There are not enough hours in the day to take care of my family the way I want and need to because I'm not allowed to have them.  And that's it.  And that's how it's going to be, with a lot of time and energy allocated away from where I want to spend it.  We're hitting a busy and intense time at work that will go on for a couple of months where it feels like none of us can get away for fun or necessity. 

I miss getting to go to our library.  It's closed on Saturdays and it's hard to get there before it closes in the evenings.  I still haven't signed up for the summer reading program.  I want to and I will, but it's the middle of July and it bums me out that I haven't done it yet.

One thing I've been trying to do every day is make a list at the end of the day.  It's helping more than decluttering or journaling or exercise.  I write down what I've done.  I write down things I've done that make me happy, or that I felt were productive.  Seeing the words helps a lot.  Seeing things like "I threw out 5 magazines and moved 3 shirts to the 'donate' pile" or "I colored with Evelyn" reminds me of what I did that I felt were worthwhile and keeps the days from blurring together.  There are a lot of things that I get to enjoy, but they get overshadowed by all the things I worry about. 

So tonight my list will look something like this:
-ate 2 salads
-read a chapter out of The Horse and His Boy to Evelyn (we've been reading a chapter a night out of The Chronicles of Narnia to her)
-was honest on the Internet
-packed my lunch for tomorrow
-loaded the dishwasher
-unfriended someone on Facebook and unfollowed someone else because I don't like seeing them in my newsfeed
-glued a doll shoe back together

Lists always help.

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