Wednesday, February 1, 2012

For the record

"To find satisfaction, composure, and results – we don't need anything extra, fancy, or special. We don't need to do or add more; we need to do less. We just need to let go of some of our assumptions, particularly our thinking that our freedom and happiness lie someplace else, or during some other time, or with some other mind."
- Marc Lesser in his book, Less
This blog is a great record of my life, with stories and plans and lists and pictures.

This blog is a pain in my rear.

This blog is the equivalent of getting ready for a social gathering every day, entering a room full of people (some I know and some I don't) and telling stories about my life and showing pictures of my baby to everyone and no one in particular.  People rarely respond and I go back to my regular day.  2 or 3 days (weeks, months) later, someone says "I liked that video of Evelyn." or "Is Cody feeling better?" even though I never mentioned anything to that person about that except I kind of told everyone.

I'm not trying to say this like a gripe, but it's weird to write things and know people like it but not know exactly what they like about it.  And then I feel an obligation--and I know that's totally on me--to keep posting, especially pictures of Evelyn.  Sometimes I have great stories I want to tell about her, and sometimes I have other things to say that I don't say for reasons I don't understand.  Then I have this whole "Why am I writing this? Am I writing for myself?  Are we low on Mtn. Dew? I'm going to take a break and spend my time actually doing something."  Then I knit and dance around the living room with Cody and clean up my work emails and feel practically Amish for a week or so.  But then I come back with no purpose, and a feeling that I'm even more behind on uploading pictures and regaling you with tales of this fabulous life.

 I'm not one of those women who looks at other women and then feels insecure about her body.  You're looking at someone who would take a long, hard look at herself in the mirror in the weeks following Evelyn's birth and start singing (and dancing to) "Brick House" every morning before getting dressed.  Okay, I did it when I was pregnant too.  Where the [redacted] is that level of confidence when it comes to this little digital record? 

I'm not someone who has divine revelations every day.  I don't do outfit posts.  I have not decorated the house because I'm currently more concerned with taking care of my home than dressing it up.  I don't have any insights about parenting.  So I'm not sure why I'd start feeling bad and comparing my blog to ones that do that.  Reading this post this morning really brought everything to a head for me.  What's worse than feeling bad about my non-Photoshopped and super-amateur-looking layout is that I sometimes read those types of blogs and feel bad that I'm not presenting this beautiful picture of what a great life we're giving Evelyn.  And that, dear reader, is a giant, steaming pile of nonsense.

In 20 years, neither Evelyn nor Cody and I will care about the fact that we couldn't afford professional pictures (or that we weren't friends with people who gave their time to take pictures and edit them for free in exchange for publicity) or that we fed her tons of baby food because we didn't have the time or patience to cook and puree organic food when she clearly loved cereal and everything Gerber ever ran through an industrial blender.  It's not going to matter that I played more Metallica than local indie artists around her developing baby brain.  We're hoping it won't matter that we let so many strangers talk to her and stroke her face and pinch her hands--even if they'd just come staggering out of a bar, or appeared to have some kind of skin disease.

What's going to matter is that we gave her a life that we loved and wanted to share with her.  That we, along with amazing people who love her, moved heaven and earth to take care of her and make sure she has everything she needs and then some.  That we went for lots of walks and talked to her all the time.  That I sang hymns to her when she was fussy.  That she and Cody enjoyed the daily reading every morning.  That he played jazz around her.  That she was fed and loved and that we read hundreds of books with her not just because it was important, but because we enjoyed it and we enjoyed her.  That's the kind of thing I'd like to write about, even if I don't write about it every day.

So, if you don't mind (and it doesn't matter if you do), that's what I'm going to do.

I probably won't post on here 5 days a week.  And when I do, it probably won't be entirely about Evelyn. For that, I've started a tumblr.  I like how tumblr's setup allows for a more immediate way of posting and there's endless scrolling so if you don't feel like looking through the archives (which are easier to navigate than blogger's) you can just go down, down, down through time until Evelyn is little.  I've got a few posts on there, and I'll certainly add more.  It'll be the All-Evelyn, All-the-Time Show and you're going to love it.  Because I know you love her, and I do appreciate and love that.

This will be the place for updates on this month's No-Spend, life in general, and lists.  And, of course, the occasional picture-heavy post about Evelyn's adventures.  I need to have lots of those on the record, after all.

And lastly, because I know you need this in your life:


Mom2Four said...

I hate to put this kind of pressure on you....but this blog is the highlight of the internet for me :)!!

It shares your journey through life, your moods, crafts, friends, EVELYN, and so much more.

Thank you so much for taking the time to update it. Your pictures are perfect and always light up your posts and our days.

Love you and your blog.

Jen said...

Ha, I'll still post on here but it just won't all be about Evelyn. I always like knowing you're interested.