Maybe He Could Just Walk with a Cane
Levi: Do you think I'd look more distinguished if I smoked a pipe?
Mom: Baby, you used to be asthmatic. Remember?
Jen: What would you put in it--bubbles?!
Cody Does Not Get It, Part I
Jen: Shirley sent me this sweet thank-you card with a kitten on it!
Cody: Did it say "Hang in there?"
Jen: No. It wasn't that kitten. This one was cute and looking down. Like maybe it was thinking of Jesus and gratitude. I need to write her a thank-you note back.
Jen: This is how we do things in this family! Hush.
Cody: You're going to write a thank-you note, thanking her for the note she sent you, thanking you for writing notes.
Cody Does Not Get It, Part II (30 seconds of laughter later)
Jen: Stop laughing at me!
Jen: I am not crazy!
Cody: I didn't say that. [smiles]
Jen: You're thinking it, aren't you?!
Cody: I'm going to take a shower.
Hi, Why Don't You Have a Seat Over There?
Jeff: I miss chatrooms.
Clint: So you guys are pretty hardcore now, right?
Spencer: I guess so.
Jen: They kill babies. You know.
Spencer: Yeah, we do do that sometimes.
Jen: He keeps the jacket on to cover his tattoos. He's also a white supremacist.
Spencer: It happens.
Laine: I think we'll have to skip class because I don't think we can all get ready in time.
Laine: Jen doesn't like Sunday school. She hates church.
Jen: No! Just Sunday school.
Laine: People are going to want to meet y'all.
Robert: I'll be like, "I don't know the little girl with the bad attitude."
On the Drive Home from Worship Services Only
Laine: I keep seeing firefly stuff everywhere and it looks so trashy! I even see tattoos of it and it just looks so trashy. Like cherries.
Jen: Do you mean dragonflies?
Jen: So, if I got a tattoo of Evinrude from The Rescuers, would you hate that? Because I think it would be cute.
Laine: I guess if you got the detailing right...
Jen: With the turtleneck and the mustache and everything...
Laine: That would be cute then. [Makes tire squealing noises as she takes a corner]
Cody: You should slow down.
Levi: Jen, frying is magic.
This is Funnier if You Can Hear His Accent
Sara: Well, I was going to get this purse but then I saw this other one that I thought I'd want. But Chad helped me pick out this one.
Chad: Yup, I did!
Sara: The other one was blue and it had lighter blue on it...
Chad: And I said, "Sara, just get the black one. Black goes with everything. Trust me." And that's what she did.
Where Are Our Flying Cars?!
Jen: I don't know if I could fight with my glasses off.
Jessi: You could take them off.
Jen: I know. It's like the nerd version of taking off earrings, but then I can't see.
Jessi: Someday, Jen, technology will come up with a way that you can fight and battle and hit people without your glasses and still be able to see.
Jen: You mean like contacts?
Jessi: No. Not contacts. Something different.
Not that Kind
Anna: Is anyone going to see Avatar?
Anna: But I thought you guys were nerds!
Terms of Endearment
Jen: Hey, Cody, change your gloves.
Jeff: Wait, did he just call you 'baby'?!
Jessi: [chokes on drink]
Lainey: When you wrote "He told me he was mature for his age. I told him he was Catholic" that was the funniest thing ever.
Jen: What, he is Catholic!?
Mrs. Dicy: That's a good thing!
Jen: You're right. He could've been Baptist.
Mrs. Dicy: Hey, Rick was Baptist when we got married!
Jen: But then you made him be Catholic.
Mrs. Dicy: He wised up.
Jason: I've always wanted to fall asleep behind the wheel, but I'm too afraid of what might come next.
They Were Too Big Anyway
Laine: So I saw this article for these gloves you can wear when you're running and they cut the thumb and the pointer finger so you can work your iPod when you run. But I didn't want to pay for them so I found this pair of ugly fleece gloves and did it.
Jen: That's cool.
Laine: Yeah, they were these Liz Clairborne fleece gloves. I don't even know where they came from! Who would wear that?
Jen: Those were mine!
Laine: [laughs hysterically]
Jen: They were a Christmas gift from Mom one year.
Laine: Do you want them back?
Empathy is for Other People
Jen: Yeah, maybe he's just janitoring to pay the bills until he sells some of his art.
Ateca: See, you were good at being encouraging!
Jen: Thank you. I knew a lot of girls in college who were self-deluding and liked encouragement for their romantic interests. Or it was a plot on Girlfriends.
Ateca: Okay, see there? Why do you do that?! Why ya gotta crush my dreams?!
Jen: It's just what I do! I crush everyone's dreams. I'm sorry.
Ateca: I don't even know why I called you.
Jen: I don't either.
Ateca: I'm going to go make Spencer and Casey be my friends now.
A Very Special Three-Part Series
No, Part I.
Lynn: Jen, are you with baby?
Jen: No, Lynn. I am dehydrated and I wear unflattering tops.
No, Part II.
Jen: Your salad looks disgusting. I feel sick. I think I'm going to throw up.
Spencer: [raises an eyebrow suspiciously]
Spencer: [raises both eyebrows higher]
No, Part III. The End. Please Drop it.
Reta: [whispers] Are you expecting?
Jen: No, I got stung by a wasp.
Reta: Oh, I was hoping you were coming in late because of morning sickness.
Jen: No. I'm on a lot of Benadryl and was trying to get in to see the doctor. [holds up hand] But he can't see me until this afternoon. I'm leaving in the afternoon, by the way.
Reta: I just thought it would be so neat if you were having a baby.
Jen: No. Just a steroid shot. Thanks.
Dallas: I'm going to ask my mom and dad for a grappling hook for my birthday or Christmas.
Jen: You cannot have a grappling hook!
Dallas: [Some character on a show or movie] has one.
Jen: They're fictional. And older.
Dallas: How old do you have to be? Like, 8? Or 10?!
Alana: Glitter always wins. Always.