Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The cold weather stole my lung function

So you get this funny post I've been compiling for a while now.

(And yes, I can certainly breathe well enough to type. But this is funnier.)

No Grease-Spattered Tea Pots! This is Not a Dickens Novel!

Jen: And then he got grease spatter all over the tea pot! Levi, there is a table right next to the stove. Do you know how easy it is to just pick up that tea pot and move it away from the stove?
Levi: It's got a handle.

Honesty
Robert: Well, it's a good thing I don't even know how to spell any of Cody's passwords or I would break into his facebook account.

Friendship
Jen: It was so terrible.
Alana: Oh, it sounds awful! I wish you could have hit my car instead!
Jen: I know, I had already thought of that! I could have just walked inside and said, "Alana, I hit your car with my car." And then you would say, "Oh, that's all right. I broke your towel holder in your bathroom." And then we'd be even.
Alana: I did! I did break your towel holder! I feel so bad about that.

It Has Nothing to Do With the Fact He is Over 200 lbs. and Pouting
Mom: Mozart looks so sinister since you made the picture darker.

This Really Happened
Cody: I swear, Triple H and Ryan Reynolds are the best actors in that whole movie.

Communication
Dad: So young lady, have you talked to your sister lately?
Jen: Which one?
Dad: Your younger one.
Jen: Not helping me any.
Dad: You only have one.
Jen: Nooooo.
Dad: Yeeees. You have--
Jen: Dad! I am Jennifer. Everyone is younger than I am.
Dad: Fine. Have you talked to Sara?
Jen: No, not in the last few days. How is she?
Dad: Quite well, actually.

Wildest Library Sale Yet
Eden: There are too many people in here, and one of them already called me "sir"!

This Happens a Lot
Jen: You are so profoundly disturbing. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
Cody: How can you mean that in a nice way?
Jen: I was just trying to be polite. Look. I love you, I married you, I give you clean towels. What more do you want from me?
Cody: Sincerity!
Jen: Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to say "respect."
Cody: [laughs and puts a scalding hot washcloth on his eyes]

Purist
Robert: I don't want to see some future cow sale in space.

If Only This Was About George Strait
Sara: I'm gonna be the #1 groupie! You just wait.
Chad: Good luck with that.

Mine Too, Buddy
Dallas: The pitcher plant is my favorite carnivorous plant.

In Under 30 Seconds
Laine: Was this candle burning the last time I was in here? Do you have a towel for me in the morning? Cody, did you poop in here? Whose toothpaste can I use? Where do you keep the toothpaste, in these drawers? I smell something burning. Oh brother, my stomach hurts! I can't get the toothpaste out! Are you laughing at me? Stop laughing at me!

Communication, Part II
Jen: So I'm talking to Dad and he says "Have you talked to your sister lately?".
Levi: Oh, which one?

You Have Been Warned to Stay Away from Wal-Mart
Grandmother: There was a woman down in Crosset, and she went to Wal-Mart and something fell off a shelf and hit her in the head. It killed her.
Jen: I don't like what you're bringing to the conversation. Why would you tell me that?
Grandmother: I just want you to know what you're getting into when you go to Wal-Mart.

I Just Ruined Christmas
Jen: Sara, I will buy you a book at the library sale!
Sara: Oh ...... thank you. That's very thoughtful.

Happy Thanksgiving
Jen: [looks at Spencer's hair] I bet we could get a Bumpit in there.
Spencer: No. You can't.

My Penmanship is Beautiful, Thankyouverymuch!
Sara: I forged your signature. It was so good! I did chicken scratch and everything.

Yes, Many of Us Were Born in that Other Century
Dallas: I asked Gail what happened in 1892, and she thought that was the year you were born.
Jen: She just transposed the numbers because she was probably thinking about me. I was born in 1982.
Dallas: Nineteeeeen eighty-two?!?!

Communication, Part III
Jen: Oh, I was telling Levi about this. So Dad asks me if I've talked to my sister....
Laine: Which one?
Jen: The younger one. Ha.
Laine: Which. one.
Jen: Exactly!
Laine: Oh brother, Dad.

It's Not Awkward if We Don't Talk About It
Cody: She loves her camera more than me.
Jen: [pauses too long] Well....
Sara: She's had it longer than she's known you!
Cody: I wasn't joking!
Sara: I wasn't either!

I Made a Friend
Jen: He said the mattress smelled like B.O., and I was like "Well, that mattress stinks worse every time you raise your arms."
Mom: You really said that?!?!
Jen: No. But I thought it.
Laine: Well, it's good you didn't say that. You'd probably hurt his feelings. He's actually pretty sensitive.
Jen: He is? Really?
Laine: Yeah. Kind of like Levi.
Jen: Levi's sensitive?! Oh dear.
Laine: Levi hates you.

Family
Casey: Which one of these comics do I want to steal?

Grammatical Intimidation
Jen: Did you know there's an apostrophe error on the order screen?
Mrs. Dicy: Just go home.

She Called Me a Grown-Up
Mom: You go to the bathroom more than any grown up person I know.

Hush, Not in Front of Mom and Dad
Laine: You left out the part where she threw you out of the restaurant.

They Asked Him 4 Times if He Was Being Served
Jen: Chad, look like you're browsing. I think the Starbucks people are scared of you.
Chad: They should be.

Redheads
Cody: They all look the same to me. I know that sounds bad.

2 comments:

Laine said...

I have a bumpit that Spencer is welcome to borrow.

R. Short said...

Thanks for making your poor old dad look like a doofus ... Where did we go wrong?