It's a standard Monday. I hope your weekend was nice. Mine was. Work is slow. We can't go down to IT at the moment, there's nothing more by way of replacement volumes that I can do, and I don't feel like putting my pictures back on the wall just yet. So I decided to mess around on google and look for more new about My Morning Jacket, the most awesome and hairy band ever. I had heard that they were releasing a new album on June 10, which I hoped and prayed was true because that would be amazing. I had also heard that it would be title Evil Urges, which I hoped and prayed would not be true, because it sounded like a Rob Zombie spoof. While that would hilarious and long overdue, that's not really what anyone would want to wait for for over two and a half years. So to google I went, and discovered that both things appeared to be irrefutably true. Okay, fine. Then I saw some pictures.
Some of you may remember my inconsolable heartbreak and dismay when Jim James (and, apparently, Two Tone Tommy, the bass player) cut his hair. He went from looking amazing to looking like an average, un-rock god with a nice beard. Now, the beard is gone. As I have discovered from my many guyfriends with beards (this distinguished category includes nearly all of my guyfriends--even my best guyfriend of all, Cody the Husband!), facial hair is good at covering facial fat. *Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating that thing that some particularly big guys do when they grow that line around their faces trying to create the illusion of a jawline. You're not fooling anyone. Please stop.* But a beard can do a great job of covering the fat. Everyone knows it's still there, but they don't have to look at it. And beards just look cool. I never figured I'd like them as much as I do now, but I'm a pretty big fan.
But there's a downside. When you get used to someone having facial hair--especially if you even like it and consider it a wonderful complement to his appearance--it's really weird when it's suddenly gone. It's worse than when someone takes off the glasses. When you go from bearded to barefaced, it's like your face is stark naked! And that's just awkward. Please note the terror and unhappiness in my face when Jeff shaved without warning.
It is with that in mind that I must tell you to brace yourself as we get into the picture portion of the blog. I'll try to go gradually so it won't be a shock to your system.
Here is a delightful picture from either 2006 or 2007. It's one of my favorites. Lots of hair, lots of beard, and a flying V guitar.
This was from Lollapolooza 07. No hair, but the beard's still there. Okay. That's workable. He still looks like a description of him I read in an article about the band. I don't remember the exact quote, but the author said something about with his flowing hair and beard, Jim James had the cherubic face of a cult leader. I thought that was great.
This is from October 2007. Oh wow. Double chin, mutton chops, and what appears to be the beginnings of an almost pompadour! How far the awesome have fallen!
This will not do. Seriously, not even insanity and poor taste could lead to something this grotesque to just happen. I can only take something this awful as a sign from God. America must stop buying albums from people like Amy Winehouse and Toby Keith and mopey little boys wearing girl pants that even Audrey Hepburn would find to be a little too constricting around the ankle or God will strike down even the most awesome of our rock heroes by giving them Grand Ole Opry hair (and not in a good way) and the facial hair patterns of 70s porn stars. We have done wrong. Please, please, please turn your hearts and minds back to what is right.
I'll just be over here, waiting in my sackcloth and ashes.