Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A Blog... which I make it look like I don't love Cody (a collection of not-flattering photos).

Here are some great reasons to doubt Cody's awesomeness.
In this picture, he appears to be checking out my younger sister after she tried on a bridesmaid's dress. For our wedding. Smooth move.

Here, he's not being very good around animals. This dog clearly wants to bite his face. You know what they say about a man's character when animals and children don't like him.

This child doesn't like him. Cody doesn't appear to like the child, either.

Okay, this is a big one. You notice how the guy on the right looks a lot like Cody? Of course you've noticed--they're twins! I'm a little creeped out by clones, which is what identical twins are. Why did I go ahead and marry such a horrific distortion of nature? Because when we started dating, he told me that he and his brother had completely different personalities and were totally different from each other. He lied. By the time I'd gotten attached to him, I met the twin and realized that they had the very same gestures, ways of speaking, sense of humor, etc. And while they hold different views on some important things (like meat and God), they're pretty similar when it comes to other important things (like having the same frightened squirrel-like reaction to the mention of eye-drops). They're also both big fans of stuff like getting married, Saturns, pacifism, blondes, their family, and not being pet-owners. Their younger brother is in the middle and is also pretty similar. Craziness.

Now we get to the big stuff. You've already seen him with my sisters (he's always saying stuff like, "They're cute girls." Just what does he mean by that?!), but now here he is with my friends. For some reason, none of the pictures of him being too friendly with Kayla are at my disposal right now. We'll just have to make do with these.

Do not be distracted by Kelly's serene smile. I don't trust Cody's smile. Just look at him. He so wants to cheat on me.

Here, he seems to be checking out Jessi. Granted, everyone's done it at some point in time, but you'd think he'd learn to stop when people have cameras out. But no, not the presence of cameras, bridal gowns, nor deeply cherished childhood games will stop his lecherous gaze. He holds nothing sacred.

And despite the fact that you can nearly see his wedding band, it appears that Jessi holds nothing sacred either. Here she is, apparently about to feed him fudge with her bare hands. This looks like the kind of flirtatious, picnic scene that would befit an illustration in a Jane Austen novel. That quilt that's covering Jessi is ours. We registered for it together for our wedding registry at Bed, Bath & Beyond. [Begins to cry.]

She knows she has won and shoots me a look of skanky triumph as he passes out on her shoulder on New Year's Eve in our very own living room. This is just too much. I can't live like this. Cody is a jerk.*

*Cody's not really a big jerk. This was all just for fun. I am joking. I also do not worry about the affection Laine, Sara, Casey, Spencer, Kelly, Kayla, or Jessi have for him. Jeff will forever remain under my suspicion, though.

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